Disappointment

I thought that I had it figured out.  Why my blood sugar has been so out of control.  I had expected my period weeks ago and finally checked back to see how long it’s been.  49 days and still no period.  My periods are not always regular, but that is extreme even for me.  I dared to hope.  And yet again…

Dennis and I have been married ten years and going into our relationship, we both knew we wanted to have children.  We started trying two years after we were married and over the years gave up hope.  It has been hard for both of us.

I have wanted children since I was a child.  In fact, at age 9, I asked my mother if I could be artificially inseminated because I didn’t want to wait until I was married to have a baby.  (Think I may have known a little too much about reproduction as a kid? LOL!)  I completely romanticized it, thinking only of the cute living doll I would have rather than all the work that comes with it, but I always wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be anything else.  I never dreamed it wouldn’t be possible.

And still, I do not know if it is impossible.  I do not know what is preventing pregnancy.  I do not know if it is me or Dennis or both combined.  Because we don’t have a lot of money, we simply came to terms with the fact that children wasn’t in the cards for us.  We did not see any logic in spending money to get tested so that we could spend more money to try and conceive when we had no money.  Anyone can make it work and figure out how to provide for a child, but to actually force it when you are poor?  We didn’t see the point and we actually have come to enjoy our childless life because we are lucky enough to be completely in love and relish our solitary time together.

And yet, I could not help but hope.  I tried not to, scared of the disappointment that would return after all my previous hopes were dashed, but I couldn’t help myself.  I started thinking about the future and how we could make it work.  I thought about how we’d have to turn the office into a nursery and sell the computers and get laptops since we don’t have space for the computers elsewhere in the house.  (Our house is 550 square feet–I told you we’re poor! :))  About how this blog and my health-related goals would change, about how I’d have to withdraw from the weight loss competition at work.  I just couldn’t stop my thoughts from progressing forward and assuming we already had a child on the way.  Which only made it more crushing when the test read, “not pregnant.”

Mentally I’m OK with not having kids.  I really have come to terms with it.   I don’t get jealous when I hear my friends are pregnant–I rejoice with them.  I don’t start crying when I see someone with a baby.  But deep in my heart, there will always be a kernel devoted to the future children I always wanted.  And every time something like this happens and I dare to hope again, it will break my heart

For those wondering, NO, I do not pray for children.  Because mentally I do not want them.  Or at least I have convinced myself that I don’t.  When I thought I might be pregnant, I did pray that the child not be affected by my drastically high blood sugar reading on Wednesday.  And I did pray after the negative pregnancy test, if it is His will, to grant us children.  (At this point, I’m thinking it is not God’s will, don’t you? lol)  But I have ceased praying about it daily because it makes me want them more and makes not having them heart-wrenching and I do become the pathetic woman who can’t feel happy for her pregnant friends when her own womb is empty.

And so.  I move on and continue living.  Enjoying life.  Being a parent to my parents, which is perhaps why I am not destined to have children of my own.  Because I’m needed as a mother to others already in my life, such as my disabled father and mentally ill mother.

Perhaps one day we will adopt or become foster parents, and that kernel deep inside my heart will break free of the cage I keep it in, and be allowed grow.