I thought that I had it figured out.  Why my blood sugar has been so out of control.  I had expected my period weeks ago and finally checked back to see how long it’s been.  49 days and still no period.  My periods are not always regular, but that is extreme even for me.  I dared to hope.  And yet again…

Dennis and I have been married ten years and going into our relationship, we both knew we wanted to have children.  We started trying two years after we were married and over the years gave up hope.  It has been hard for both of us.

I have wanted children since I was a child.  In fact, at age 9, I asked my mother if I could be artificially inseminated because I didn’t want to wait until I was married to have a baby.  (Think I may have known a little too much about reproduction as a kid? LOL!)  I completely romanticized it, thinking only of the cute living doll I would have rather than all the work that comes with it, but I always wanted to be a mother more than I wanted to be anything else.  I never dreamed it wouldn’t be possible.

And still, I do not know if it is impossible.  I do not know what is preventing pregnancy.  I do not know if it is me or Dennis or both combined.  Because we don’t have a lot of money, we simply came to terms with the fact that children wasn’t in the cards for us.  We did not see any logic in spending money to get tested so that we could spend more money to try and conceive when we had no money.  Anyone can make it work and figure out how to provide for a child, but to actually force it when you are poor?  We didn’t see the point and we actually have come to enjoy our childless life because we are lucky enough to be completely in love and relish our solitary time together.

And yet, I could not help but hope.  I tried not to, scared of the disappointment that would return after all my previous hopes were dashed, but I couldn’t help myself.  I started thinking about the future and how we could make it work.  I thought about how we’d have to turn the office into a nursery and sell the computers and get laptops since we don’t have space for the computers elsewhere in the house.  (Our house is 550 square feet–I told you we’re poor! :))  About how this blog and my health-related goals would change, about how I’d have to withdraw from the weight loss competition at work.  I just couldn’t stop my thoughts from progressing forward and assuming we already had a child on the way.  Which only made it more crushing when the test read, “not pregnant.”

Mentally I’m OK with not having kids.  I really have come to terms with it.   I don’t get jealous when I hear my friends are pregnant–I rejoice with them.  I don’t start crying when I see someone with a baby.  But deep in my heart, there will always be a kernel devoted to the future children I always wanted.  And every time something like this happens and I dare to hope again, it will break my heart

For those wondering, NO, I do not pray for children.  Because mentally I do not want them.  Or at least I have convinced myself that I don’t.  When I thought I might be pregnant, I did pray that the child not be affected by my drastically high blood sugar reading on Wednesday.  And I did pray after the negative pregnancy test, if it is His will, to grant us children.  (At this point, I’m thinking it is not God’s will, don’t you? lol)  But I have ceased praying about it daily because it makes me want them more and makes not having them heart-wrenching and I do become the pathetic woman who can’t feel happy for her pregnant friends when her own womb is empty.

And so.  I move on and continue living.  Enjoying life.  Being a parent to my parents, which is perhaps why I am not destined to have children of my own.  Because I’m needed as a mother to others already in my life, such as my disabled father and mentally ill mother.

Perhaps one day we will adopt or become foster parents, and that kernel deep inside my heart will break free of the cage I keep it in, and be allowed grow.

About Veronica

I have a kitchen addiction and love to collect & share recipes. My passion is baking but I love to cook as well. The only thing I don't like to do in the kitchen is wash dishes, but my husband generally does them for me in exchange for his dinner.
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42 Responses to Disappointment

  1. Carla says:

    Very well said V! I think the Foster parent program is a GREAT idea..you and Dennis seem to have so much love to share.

    • Veronica says:

      I think so too. It may be a greater challenge than having our own children since they usually come from troubled homes, but I think the challenge will be very fulfilling. We are not currently in an approved home for being foster parents since the second bedroom is connected to the bathroom (the child’s room can’t be accessible by any other room) but once we are, we will sign up. I looked into it years ago and our home is the only thing keeping us from doing it right now.

  2. I can tell (who can’t really) you and Den have a lot of love to give and if you are willing, an adopted baby would really help fill that hole in your heart. I know the feeling of not wanting to get your hopes up, and I am sorry to hear your spirit was crushed again. You are a strong woman and I only wish the best for you!

  3. nutmegnanny says:

    I know how you feel. I have an issue called PCOS and as of lately I have stopped having periods all together. They come and go whenever they please. I usually just tell myself I do not want children because it’s easier then getting excited about it and then realizing it will not happen. Do not lose hope though. You never know what God has in store for you. There are a lot of children who need a good home…even if it’s a small home ;)

    • Veronica says:

      I’m sorry to hear about your struggles as well. I used to have a thyroid disease and lost my period for a year and I sometimes think that may be why we can’t have kids. Thanks, Brandy–I like what you said about the small home. :) It’s still a good one, you’re right!

  4. kim says:

    I think fostering is a wonderful idea. There are so many kids out there who need homes.. babies that need loving parents. You and Den would be such good caregivers!
    With your sugar being as high as it is, a pregnancy would be complicated, you would have to watch everything, i mean everything you eat.
    Hugs from NH

    • Veronica says:

      Yeah, you’re supposed to have you blood sugar well-controlled for 3-6 months PRIOR to getting pregnant and keep it that way so I was feeling a little scared about this–although I wanted it, I would not want to cause a child to have birth defects. Very scary stuff and although I don’t think I’ll be getting pregnant, we’re not using protection so I really need to get the sugar stabilized just in case. It’s never been bad, I do have pretty good control, but this last week has been horrible.

  5. Suzie says:

    I’m glad you are keeping strong and have a positive outlook on things. That makes all the difference in the world. Still though, I am sorry for the negative results. I agree with Kim, a pregnancy would be difficult with your blood sugar. With watching over your parents and your blood sugar maybe God is saving you from further heartbreak, just a thought. Keep on smiling V and keep on living life with your hubby :)

  6. I to had problems getting pregnant with my first child because I was diagnosed with PCOS and thats why I had to try fertility treatments. We did quite a few and nothing worked so we gave up for awhile and then I tried a different doctor and after the first treatment I became pregnant. After the birth of my first child I lost 148 lbs and my periods became regular and I started taking birth control pills. Well long story short I started getting really nauseous and couldn’t figure out why so I went to the doctor and found out I was pregnant with twins and that was while I was taking birth control pills. I know that losing all that weight helped me get pregnant and now that I have put weight back on my periods aren’t as regular as they use to be. I can’t have anymore kids now by choice but just know that things can happen when you least expect them. Have you ever been diagnosed with PCOS? If you have then losing weight can help you become pregnant or at least that is what my doctor told me. I will be praying for you and even though I have 3 sons I will always have a hole in my heart for the daughter I always wanted.

    • Veronica says:

      I’m glad you were able to conceive but sorry you did not have the daughter you wanted. I have a friend that had three boys too and prayed and prayed for a girl and lo and behold, she had one! No, I haven’t been diagnosed but you know, even though I said we weren’t interested in finding out what the problem is, I’m considering it now. It could be something simple. My mother couldn’t get pregnant b/c of a blockage in her fallopian tube, which was fixed during the exam. So I guess I should just do it.

  7. (((Veronica))) I wish I could give you a real hug today.


  8. Dennis Miller says:

    The idea of being a parent really scares me any way. I mean the closest thing we have to a child is Jessie and look how she turned out.

    Also we have different ideas on child raising – as an example – you keep an eye out for her weight and how much she eats and I am fine with her gobbling down a four day old rotted rabbit carcass.

    Maybe children would be different but I can only image they would end up with mental problems like our dog has. Even worse the children can go on national TV to tell every one how we screwed them up, with Jessie we just have to make sure not to have her poop under a street light when we take her for a walk.

  9. Julie says:

    Jim and I were in the same place as you guys were. We had given up all hope, all desire (well outwordly) and even turned our small extra room in to a beautiful sewing room. A place just for me. We too live in a small home. 13 years after being married we got a surprise, we were pregnant. It just happened and not sure how (other then “that” way). One child later, nothing..no more..nothing…but one wonderful little boy. I don’t know if the Lord was waiting for us to be ready, I don’t know why at all, all I know is that it was his will.
    I am sorry there is the disappointment but I’m happy you guys are made for each other, happy the two of you belong together. Life can be very fullfilling and wonderful when it’s just two of you.
    The Lord knows, he has a plan and though we don’t know what it is, he knows what’s best for us. I pray that you find peace with it all. I also will pray that you find out why your blood sugar is so irratic.
    Tkae care my friend and have a blessed weekend.

    • Veronica says:

      I do draw comfort from knowing that whatever happens is a part of God’s plan. Your story was very uplifting–I’m so happy that you had a miracle of a baby boy. I hope that a similar miracle lies in store for us but if not, I can accept it. I think of Jesus’ prayer before the crucifixion, asking if there was any way for the burden to be lifted from him but if it was God’s will, to let it be done. If he can accept that burden for the sake of mankind, I can accept mine without knowing why. :)

  10. Teri says:

    Veronica, we’ve always thought that you and Dennis would make great parents. Still do. Den’s funny comments are just his way of dealing with it. I DO still pray that you will be patient and realize that in God’s good and perfect timing all things will come together for good. We love you both dearly and know that you will come through this time with flying colors as long as you keep God first in your lives. We do serve an awesome God! :):) HUGS!!

    • Veronica says:

      Teri, don’t worry–it was just this sudden spark of hope that got me disappointed again but I promise I have the patience. I know that whatever happens is God’s plan and whatever happens is in his time. It can be hard but I’m usually OK with that. :) I also think about Jesus and his prayer before he was crucified. How he asked if there was any way possible, that the burden could be lifted from him. And the next part kills me–when he said if it was God’s will, then let it be done. If he can offer himself as a sacrifice for all of mankind then I can bear this much more insignificant, piddly burden. Every day I work on putting God first in my life, but I know that I often fall short of that. Thank you for reminding me what’s important and for being a good friend.

  11. Faith says:

    Don’t give up hope, no matter what your heart desires, Veronica. Something I’ve learned is that God’s timing is perfect…more so than we could ever know. I think you are an amazing woman, Veronica. And I think if you make the decision to become a foster parent, your foster children would be incredibly lucky.

  12. Charlotte says:

    Veronica, my heart goes out to you. I can relate so completely to your post – telling yourself you’re fine without kids, then feeling crushed to see “not pregnant” on that stick. I told you that the 30s are great, and they are. My 30th birthday didn’t bother me at all. But 31…It did. A lot. Because I still had no baby in sight, and I was sure it would have happened by then. My husband and I tried so many different fertility treatments and surgeries (both of us!), and nothing worked. We started to think we weren’t meant to be parents and even joked like your husband does about how messed up our dogs were and what awful parents we’d be anyway.

    Somehow around that time we kept hearing all these terrible stories in the news about abused foster kids and the low-life people who were fostering them. Then we had an idea! WE would be foster parents, and we would give a some unfortunate kids a safe place for a little while. So we looked into it. Fortunately, we didn’t have an issue with our house, but I think that could be easily overcome. Close up that wall where the door is or something. I don’t know, but it should be doable.

    Anyway, to make a long story less long, our first foster child was a newborn who had been abandoned in the hospital right after she was born. The mother just took off before she even saw her. We wound up bringing her home from the hospital. It was hard, but two years later, we finalized our adoption of her. She is now 9 1/2 years old and is such a little beauty! And just to show how things work out, when she was in kindergarten, we learned of another baby in need of a home and adopted him too. He’s now almost 4.

    Now, my family is a multi-colored little group, but I cannot imagine it any other way. We all needed each other. Still do. It’s made me more aware of so much in this world and has given me a desire to make a positive change out there, even if it’s a small change.

    This is proof that God knows more than we do. I never in my life imagined that I would be HAPPY that I didn’t ever get pregnant, but I am truly at peace with knowing that God provided what was best not just for me and my husband, but also for those children. It has changed so many lives, beyond our family even, in such a miraculous way.

    Sorry this post is so long. I could go on and on, but I’ll stop here. I just felt something tugging at me as I read your words, and I want to encourage you very strongly to continue with the foster/adopt idea. At least look into it more, and I would be happy to discuss it further if you’re interested. Maybe God is steering you down a new path.

    Blessings to you!

    • Veronica says:

      Thank you so much Char, I don’t mind the long response at all. I’m surprised to feel scared, thinking about actually DOING what I had tried to do several years ago. I was gung-ho then but now we are so settled into our childless life that I’m reluctant to actually change it, and nervous about how it could go. I will discuss this with Den and keep it in prayer.

  13. junecutie says:

    Veronica, my heart just ached when I read this post. There is so much love in your heart, and I strongly believe God will bring you a child to give all that love to, in some way. I think the foster-to-adoption plan is genius. There are so many lonely, unloved children out there that I know there is one just waiting for you and Dennis. I do have one caveat, however. My children are grown and living their own lives happily at this point. I would not trade the experience of having them in my life for anything. But it seems like from the moment you know you are pregnant, your control over your life and your ability to make your own decisions based on your own needs goes out the window forever. There is no way to predict what pregnancy and childbirth will do to your body and mind. There is no way to predict whether your children will be healthy and good souls or have serious life-long health problems or be truly rotten despite anything you can do. (I have friends who are wonderful people and excellent parents, and who have children who break their hearts everyday with their behavior and choices. It does happen!) I know you have to have faith in God to only bring the best things to you, but having children is still a pretty terrifying endeavor. At least with foster-to-adoption, you have a heads up on what to expect; and you don’t have to risk your health giving birth to them. Boy, when I started this reply, I really didn’t intend it to go down such a dark path. Anyway, I am sending you much love and many blessings and good fortune however this baby thing turns out for you. I believe you and Dennis deserve only the very best! As an aside to Dennis, “four day old rotted rabbit carcass” ? Sounds tasty!!! I’m sending kisses and hugs to the both of you and Jessie, too.

    • Veronica says:

      This is a very valid consideration on how not having children of my own could be for the best and I appreciate your input.

  14. Shauna says:

    Wow, I had to double check to see if this was actually my blog and my post! Your story is so similar to mine…although, I was diagnosed with PCOS, my current doctor says that that’s sort of a more blanket issue that a lot of doctors use now with people who are unable to conceive and who don’t have regular cycles. Anyhoo..I’ve wanted children since I was a toddler and carrying around dolls everywhere I went. Relatives were always telling me how great of a mother I’d be…I started babysitting at the age of 10, and I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about babies and toddlers…took babysitting courses/classes, was first aid and CPR certified for children, I just knew that as soon as I found Mr. Right, that I’d have my house full of kids.

    Sadly, life has other plans for me, apparently. After years of trying to get pregnant, I had a daughter who passed away just after she turned 1 year old. I’ve been unable to conceive since. I, too, have convinced myself that I’m better off…that I’m happier without kids. That we don’t need kids because we can’t afford them. We adopt dogs and parrots…and we’re good with our little family. I wish I could say that I don’t cry anymore when a friend gets prego…it’d sure make things easier for me. But I do…I still cry. I cry for what I never had. For what I probably never will have. And I can’t begin to tell you how many PG tests I’ve taken that have been negative. Such a heartache…I don’t even try anymore. I know I’m not pregnant…if I feel like I might be, I just tell myself that I’m not…but that’s it’s just my mind hoping for it and seeing signals where there are none. We hope to eventually foster to adopt, too. At least then we’ll be offering a second chance to a child who needs it.

    My heart goes out to you.

    • Veronica says:

      It is nice to meet you Shauna. I wish we could have met under happier circumstances but we do have a connection here. Your story is a much sadder one than mine; you must be a very strong person to have come through such an ordeal. Bless your heart! I wish you the best–I feel that you will eventually find your happiness and peace, however it comes. My heart goes out to you so much, too!!

  15. Jenna says:

    Oh man–this post really got me. I’ve been married for over 5 years and we haven’t started trying yet . . . it’s not the right time for us, however even without wanting a child at this exact moment, I’m still disappointed every month when I see I’m not pregnant after all (is that weird?). In the back of my mind I keep telling myself ‘don’t assume that when you start trying it will just happen immediately, or ever’ . . . so many women have trouble conceiving or can’t conceive–it took my parents 3 years to get pregnant with me.
    Foster care sounds great–there are so many kids in need of love and stability out there. I loved reading through the stories told in the ‘comments’ section. I know God has a plan for you guys and for your desires as a woman and wife. And I guarantee it will be BETTER than what you would have come up with for yourself. =)

    • Veronica says:

      Don’t let potential trouble with conceiving worry you. There’s no need to worry until there’s a problem, right? (“Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself,” Matthew 6:34.) However, I don’t think you’re weird for being disappointed when you’re not pregnant. You obviously do want children, even if it’s not yet. Thank you for your encouragement, you are so right!

  16. Hey, sounds like you’re a great “mom” already to a lot of people in your life. :-)

  17. Ken says:

    Either way, I’m pretty sure you’ll be a wonderful mom. hugs! :)

  18. teresa says:

    I just saw this… and had to add my own “hugs” to you.
    I have two things to tell you.. one is the story of my own parents who tried and tried for over 10 years, then adopted and adopted again. At which point my mother got pregnant with me and 3 more!
    And the second thing is that I had my daughter when I was 42. Every part of the pregnancy was perfect and she developed exactly as she should and I had no problems at all. So, you still have lots of time. Maybe you’ll even have an easier financial reality when you become parents.
    I’m telling you right now to get back to writing your novel because you will never again have the kind of time and mental energy you have now.
    much love to you!

    • Veronica says:

      That is very encouraging! Thank you so much. LOL–you’re right about the novel. If I do have kids, that might be the death of my writing. :)

  19. biz319 says:

    I am sure that was a hard post to write Veronica – in the back of my head I always kinda wondered if it was a choice or by circumstance.

    You are still young, who knows, it may still be in the cards to you to have kids – no matter how you get them! :D


    • biz319 says:

      p.s. I am glad you are going to see your dr. about your blood sugar swings – I have my quarterly check up on Wednesday – he never mailed me my last blood tests, so I am keeping my fingers crossed my A1C is around 6 :D

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  21. bigbearswife says:

    This post really hit home with me today. I to have wanted to be a mother since I was old enough to play with doll, as in I as a child only wanted the dolls that you could feed and that made messes and cried because I told my mother that I needed training for when I had children. My husband and I have been married almost 5 years, and have had no luck in the child dept. We to struggle with money, so I understand what you mean. I doubt I have but maybe 2 friends that do not have children (husband and I were the first of our friends to get married). I do tho weep inside when a friend becomes pregnant. I rejoice with them of course, but I’m dying on the inside. I suppose it will happen if it’s meant to for us.

  22. My Italian Smörgåsbord (Aka Barbara) says:

    btw, Veronica, this sounds so unfair to me.
    if you were living in Sweden, you would have had the right to all the tests and to most of the eventual treatments free of charge.
    not wanting to start a political discussion, but how can health care be so expensive in US?

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