The Reasons

So if you didn’t gather from my last post, things in the weight loss department are not going smoothly.  I got cocky when I started Somersizing and thought it would be a cinch to lose the last 15 lbs. and get to my goal weight within a few months.  I didn’t think it would be hard at all, because the first week was so deliciously easy.

Then out of nowhere, a little more than a week in, the cravings hit me like a ton of bricks.  Although carbs (fruits and whole grains) are allowed when Somersizing, I was much more interested in eating the meals that allowed fat since that’s what I’ve been depriving myself of for years.  So I almost completely cut out all carbs except for veggies, and ate saturated fat with abandon.  I lost four pounds eating all the cheese I wanted and I couldn’t have been happier.  Until cheese was no longer cutting it.  (hehehe. the cheese.  cutting it.  OK, never mind.  I’m five years old.)

I suddenly wanted sugar. BAD.  Instead of integrating more carbalicious meals into my diet, which probably would have helped my sugar cravings, I kept to mainly protein meals and made a batch of mini cheesecakes with cinnamon pork rinds crusts sweetened with SomerSweet.  (I know, right?  But I promise, they were good.)  But those weren’t enough, so I ate cheese.  And more cheese.  I craved sweets and instead, I ate sugar-free cheesecakes and cheese.  Vermont white cheddar, havarti cheese (plain and with dill), Amish farmer’s cheese, mozzarella cheese, smoked cheddar, cream cheese, and pimiento cheese.  Oh, the pimiento cheese.  Lots and lots of pimiento cheese.

So while I wasn’t shocked to see that my weight went up 3 pounds by the end of the second week, I was mad and frustrated.  I wanted the diet to work like it did the first week, but since I wasn’t allowed to have something that I really wanted, I’d eaten too much of what I was allowed and blew it.

I was so mad that I flipped out and ate myself into a food coma for three nights in a row.  I think it was a mixture of rebellion and self-flagellation.  I woke up every morning with a food hangover, feeling sick and bloated and like I’d never recover.  But as soon as I felt the first timid twinge of hunger, I repeated the whole process again, inducing further feelings of self-loathing and more anger and frustration.

So today, while I’m not in a food coma, my calorie tracker shows that I’ve eaten well over 1,000 extra calories and I’m tired of hating myself and don’t want to do it any more.  I want to not only love myself, but to show myself that love.  I want to show myself some kindness, so the first thing I did was forgive myself.  What’s done is done.  It was stupid but I did it and I forgive myself.  I can’t change the past, but I can change the future.

I have been focused so much on losing the weight that I have lost sight of the reason I wanted to do it in the first place.  Why did I decide to lose weight?  Why did I start this blog?

1.  It may be vain, but I’m willing to admit my main reason for wanting to lose weight is to look good.  I feel pretty when I’m smaller, and that makes me happier.  When I’m bigger, it is a source of unhappiness for me and don’t even like meeting my own eyes in a mirror.  This is mostly due to my Mom’s negative input about my appearance during impressionable years, but knowing that doesn’t change the way I feel.

2.  My health.  I am a diabetic, which makes me more prone to health complications and I don’t want to add to those by also being overweight.  I’m bordering on having high cholesterol, and I want to eat the right kinds of foods to get that naturally lower so it doesn’t cause me any further problems.

3.  I want to feel good.  I feel good when I’m eating nutritious food in reasonable portions.  I feel good when I’m active and building muscle.  I love the feeling I get when I’m “living healthy” and it makes me happy just to have that feeling.  I feel like I’m missing out on life when I’m not eating right because the feeling usually makes me just want to lie in bed.

4.  I want to be happy.  I don’t have to be thin to be happy, but it is a lot harder to be happy when I’m eating the wrong foods, and too much of them.  It is harder to be happy when I’m not active and not feeling healthy.  It’s harder to be happy when I am so full that it’s painful.

Those are good reasons for wanting to lose weight and I need to remember to reflect on them when I stumble. I never want to lose my footing completely like I have in the past and go on a 6-month or year-long eating binge again.  I want to be happy and healthy, and I am not happy or healthy when I’m eating too much of the wrong things.  That is one of the yuckiest feelings in the world.

I originally started this blog for myself, to journal my progress.  And then I realized, as people started reading and giving me encouragement and support, that I was getting much more out of it than I had planned.  You guys may not realize it, but you are the main reason that I have not regained everything I’ve lost (30 lbs) since starting this blog.  Do you know that this is the most weight I have ever lost at one time before?  And I’ve never been able to keep off weight this long, except for when I was in Weight Watchers.  I paid for my accountability then, forking over $50 a month to attend meetings, but I get free accountability through you guys, who are just so incredible for helping me through all the good and bad and ugly.

Seriously, I’m about to cry now.  I’ve worked through some major stuff, thinking out loud to you and I’m just so thankful that you’re hear to “listen.” I have often thought of just deleting this blog because sometimes it feels like a chore.  I have scheduled myself to do at least 2 blogs a week and I resent that schedule sometimes.  I don’t like feeling obligated to do anything.  But I know that it is one of the best things I have going for me.  I can’t do it on my own and I know I owe it all to God and to you.  I do the work, but without a higher power and my readers to help me stick with it, I would be nowhere.

So, thank you.  Thank you for helping me get to where I am now.  Thank you for always being there and reminding me why I am still reporting my weight every most weeks.  Thank you for listening, even if you are one of the silent readers.  I know you’re there and I’m so thankful for you!

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About Veronica

I have a kitchen addiction and love to collect & share recipes. My passion is baking but I love to cook as well. The only thing I don't like to do in the kitchen is wash dishes, but my husband generally does them for me in exchange for his dinner.
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15 Responses to The Reasons

  1. rundadrun says:

    Great post! I too struggle with motivation and cravings and all that you wrote about. Keep up the fight!
    Happy running,
    Rundad

  2. Jaclyn Norris Hutter says:

    oh my goodness girl…I teared up just now. You have no idea how beautimus you are! I am always inspired by you and get excited each time I see “new post” in my inbox! You have helped me so much and I can’t express my thanks enough! Just remember the view God has of you…self esteem is pushed so hard in this society that I think we tend to forget if we would only “seek first” our self esteem would match God’s esteem of us. We so don’t deserve it and yet He gives so freely! My challenge daily is to forget the worlds requirements to look and be perfect and just be God’s child. All else shall be added sweet friend! I love you to bits and cannot wait for our weekend of fun! You rock the house!:D

    • Veronica says:

      Girl, you always say just the right thing. I don’t know how you do it but I’m so thankful to have you on my side. You my girl, Blue…er, I mean Jax! hehe

  3. Toni says:

    Great post! Thanks for sharing. I know how frustrating it can get. I’ve been there a million times :(

  4. Sometimes I think about not blogging because I don’t want to write “oops, I did it again.” How many times do my readers really want to hear that I made the same mistakes?! But, blogging is also what keeps me going. There is such a sense of support and friendship and community out here:)

    I think you have great reasons for wanting to lose weight. And are very honest. I know that I am happier when I am thinner. Not that thin brings happiness… but I like myself more and that is the truth. Now you and I just need to remember all our reasons for doing this and how bad we feel when we eat crap… and keep those thoughts front and center the next time we are crazy with thoughts of food.

    We can do this.

    • Veronica says:

      Totally! I really hate having to admit my failures, but if I didn’t, I might just keep on failing. Thanks, Karen.

  5. Joan says:

    Hang in there Veronica,
    WE all have our demon’s pulling at us-just keep the Faith & put God first,it is hard to do when there is a black cloud hanging over us.
    Love you,Joan

  6. Suzie says:

    People can relate to your blogs. Many people at one time or another have had to deal with weight issues and it is hard. Plus, you are very honest (and funny), so people enjoying reading you, even if your having a bad day. We want to cheer you up and see you do good, so we’re here to encourage you!! Blogging allows us a different kind of closeness to people. A good kind :) Keep your chin up V!! We know you can do it :)

    • Veronica says:

      Suzie, you are so kind, but I often think that my blog is just a bunch of poo. I would like to put more time into it, because I often have things I want to say besides “I’m thankful for this” and “today I weigh…” I hope to do that soon, so that my blog has more substance. I’m glad you think I’m amusing, sometimes I wonder if I’m only just making myself laugh. I probably laugh the hardest–hehehe. I guess it’s good that I can laugh at myself. ;) Thanks for being there for me, you’re one of my biggest cheerleaders and I so genuinely appreciate that!

  7. Pingback: Tuesday Thanksgiving #18 | Going Down

  8. Oh, my heart just goes out for you. I know you were excited about the Somersizing and I was so hoping it would work. I am a believer that all these “plans” out there DO work, if followed accurately. That of course, being the problem, accurately following them. If weight loss were easy, we’d all be thin and fit. It’s not easy. You just have to keep tackling it. I agree, the blogs are helpful. The reading of other blogs is what helps me the most, I don’t always post on mine good helpful content but it so does help. So I GET what you mean. Eat what God made and eat in moderation. Stay healty. Hugs! :-)

    • Veronica says:

      Yeah, it would have worked if I hadn’t gone crazy in the cheese. I realize it’s not the diet’s fault, but I don’t think it’s the one for me. Don’t worry, I’m not giving up. Thanks, Debbi!

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