So if you didn’t gather from my last post, things in the weight loss department are not going smoothly. I got cocky when I started Somersizing and thought it would be a cinch to lose the last 15 lbs. and get to my goal weight within a few months. I didn’t think it would be hard at all, because the first week was so deliciously easy.
Then out of nowhere, a little more than a week in, the cravings hit me like a ton of bricks. Although carbs (fruits and whole grains) are allowed when Somersizing, I was much more interested in eating the meals that allowed fat since that’s what I’ve been depriving myself of for years. So I almost completely cut out all carbs except for veggies, and ate saturated fat with abandon. I lost four pounds eating all the cheese I wanted and I couldn’t have been happier. Until cheese was no longer cutting it. (hehehe. the cheese. cutting it. OK, never mind. I’m five years old.)
I suddenly wanted sugar. BAD. Instead of integrating more carbalicious meals into my diet, which probably would have helped my sugar cravings, I kept to mainly protein meals and made a batch of mini cheesecakes with cinnamon pork rinds crusts sweetened with SomerSweet. (I know, right? But I promise, they were good.) But those weren’t enough, so I ate cheese. And more cheese. I craved sweets and instead, I ate sugar-free cheesecakes and cheese. Vermont white cheddar, havarti cheese (plain and with dill), Amish farmer’s cheese, mozzarella cheese, smoked cheddar, cream cheese, and pimiento cheese. Oh, the pimiento cheese. Lots and lots of pimiento cheese.
So while I wasn’t shocked to see that my weight went up 3 pounds by the end of the second week, I was mad and frustrated. I wanted the diet to work like it did the first week, but since I wasn’t allowed to have something that I really wanted, I’d eaten too much of what I was allowed and blew it.
I was so mad that I flipped out and ate myself into a food coma for three nights in a row. I think it was a mixture of rebellion and self-flagellation. I woke up every morning with a food hangover, feeling sick and bloated and like I’d never recover. But as soon as I felt the first timid twinge of hunger, I repeated the whole process again, inducing further feelings of self-loathing and more anger and frustration.
So today, while I’m not in a food coma, my calorie tracker shows that I’ve eaten well over 1,000 extra calories and I’m tired of hating myself and don’t want to do it any more. I want to not only love myself, but to show myself that love. I want to show myself some kindness, so the first thing I did was forgive myself. What’s done is done. It was stupid but I did it and I forgive myself. I can’t change the past, but I can change the future.
I have been focused so much on losing the weight that I have lost sight of the reason I wanted to do it in the first place. Why did I decide to lose weight? Why did I start this blog?
1. It may be vain, but I’m willing to admit my main reason for wanting to lose weight is to look good. I feel pretty when I’m smaller, and that makes me happier. When I’m bigger, it is a source of unhappiness for me and don’t even like meeting my own eyes in a mirror. This is mostly due to my Mom’s negative input about my appearance during impressionable years, but knowing that doesn’t change the way I feel.
2. My health. I am a diabetic, which makes me more prone to health complications and I don’t want to add to those by also being overweight. I’m bordering on having high cholesterol, and I want to eat the right kinds of foods to get that naturally lower so it doesn’t cause me any further problems.
3. I want to feel good. I feel good when I’m eating nutritious food in reasonable portions. I feel good when I’m active and building muscle. I love the feeling I get when I’m “living healthy” and it makes me happy just to have that feeling. I feel like I’m missing out on life when I’m not eating right because the feeling usually makes me just want to lie in bed.
4. I want to be happy. I don’t have to be thin to be happy, but it is a lot harder to be happy when I’m eating the wrong foods, and too much of them. It is harder to be happy when I’m not active and not feeling healthy. It’s harder to be happy when I am so full that it’s painful.
Those are good reasons for wanting to lose weight and I need to remember to reflect on them when I stumble. I never want to lose my footing completely like I have in the past and go on a 6-month or year-long eating binge again. I want to be happy and healthy, and I am not happy or healthy when I’m eating too much of the wrong things. That is one of the yuckiest feelings in the world.
I originally started this blog for myself, to journal my progress. And then I realized, as people started reading and giving me encouragement and support, that I was getting much more out of it than I had planned. You guys may not realize it, but you are the main reason that I have not regained everything I’ve lost (30 lbs) since starting this blog. Do you know that this is the most weight I have ever lost at one time before? And I’ve never been able to keep off weight this long, except for when I was in Weight Watchers. I paid for my accountability then, forking over $50 a month to attend meetings, but I get free accountability through you guys, who are just so incredible for helping me through all the good and bad and ugly.
Seriously, I’m about to cry now. I’ve worked through some major stuff, thinking out loud to you and I’m just so thankful that you’re hear to “listen.” I have often thought of just deleting this blog because sometimes it feels like a chore. I have scheduled myself to do at least 2 blogs a week and I resent that schedule sometimes. I don’t like feeling obligated to do anything. But I know that it is one of the best things I have going for me. I can’t do it on my own and I know I owe it all to God and to you. I do the work, but without a higher power and my readers to help me stick with it, I would be nowhere.
So, thank you. Thank you for helping me get to where I am now. Thank you for always being there and reminding me why I am still reporting my weight every most weeks. Thank you for listening, even if you are one of the silent readers. I know you’re there and I’m so thankful for you!